


Vent

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Gen, Sad, vent - Freeform, will tag as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-20 04:26:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17015697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Writing is my shield, my pen is my sword. I use them to fight against the hardships in my life—here’s some of the battles I’ve won.[literally just a compilation of vent stuff so be careful]





	1. crying

**Author's Note:**

> Written after a lovely outing with my darling mother!

I am crying.

My throat feels stuffed full of thick, grey clouds. I want to vomit so that they leave, but the stinging aftertaste keeps me from going through with it.

The tears on my cheeks are drying, and the cold air in my room brushed against them. They feel like tiny flakes of snow. I sniffle to try and quiet these awful thoughts.

I can’t be myself around them. I can’t be myself around her.

If I was who I really am, everybody on this planet would turn their backs on me. I’m an idiotic, depressed sack of air. There is no value in my life.

I’m not successful because of her. She implies she is though, with her cheek to cheek smile. I know later that she’ll be telling me how dumb I am for not wanting her anymore.

Whenever she says anything, I remember the first time she locked me in a cramped place during an anxiety attack. When I was four years old. Thirteen years later, exactly and she does the same thing, but in her car.

No escape.

I will always been like her. Always.


	2. I love(d) you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is it like to feel loved? 
> 
> Truly, wholeheartedly, and wholly?
> 
> Don’t ask me...because I’ll never know.

“I love you, Erin.” He says to me clearly. I want to say it back to him so badly, but my mind is foggy and my mouth can’t form the proper response.

No he doesn’t. Remember the last time someone said that?

_“I’m only doing this because I love you Erin!” She screamed on the other side of the door. I cower in fear, feeling nauseous and dizzy and everything and nothing—_

I am alone. There is so much noise and my nose scrunches up at the stench of it all. I can’t be happy without feeling lost. I feel lost. I can’t find anyone who can help. No one understands. I’m hopeless. I’m helplessly bound to her, no matter how much progress I make.

One step forward, ten steps back, as they say.

Will I ever be loved? No. Because I don’t deserve it, obviously. If **she couldn’t give me love** , then why would **anyone else?**

_You will never be important to him. Always second best, yeah? That’s all you’ll ever be. No matter how hard you work, no matter how many times you go to therapy. You’ll always be an entitled, annoying, childish, dumbass kid._

“Thank you.” My voice shaky and broken. He doesn’t notice though.

No one ever does.


	3. Bits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is a slow process, but I’m here for the long run.
> 
> I’ve found my place, and my life is far from done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of star poetry for the soul.

_And the stars blinked,_

_Watching with jealousy as I shone_

_Brighter than them._

_I am not destructive anymore._


	4. Icarus—but with no sun.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reading brings revelation and I learned something today!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More poetry for the mythology major in you.

I read once that you do not truly die until your name is uttered for the last time. Perhaps that is why, through the ancient civilizations and cultural transformations, those people are not truly dead.

Icarus, Achilles, Hercules...Alexander Hamilton. They are all still alive. They are all still breathing, flying with waxy wings, fighting brave wars, and shaping institutions.

Their names are still screamed thousands of years later.

But you believe that you are a tragedy   
because you’re f  
a  
l  
l  
i   
n  
g

Will you make a sound? Will anyone make a sound when you hit the water?

Crowds are the loneliest thing in the world—

Because everyone sees you,

But nobody sees you.


	5. more stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For my best friend.

If it makes you less sad,

  
Let’s run through the streets with stars in our eyes.

We can’t look at each other though,

Because stars are destructive and

 

  
I don’t want to lose you.


	6. “Sunrise, accept my offering, oh sunrise!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My English Teacher told me something fun today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay google: how do I break the cycle?

I learned something important today.

“...and in finishing, Tayo had broken the cycle of his mental illness and thus the book is finished. Silko does an excellent job at including poetry, so tonight I want all of you to study the structure and find meaning.”

My English teacher finishes her speech after we read the last few pages of our novel. It was good, I will admit—but questions lingered in my brain, so i lingered behind in class.

“Oh, Erin. Good to see you.” She had looked up from what I could only assume was the classwork assignment she had given us today. “What’s up?”

“I have some questions about Ceremony…”

“Lay it on me.”

I took a deep breath. “How did Tayo break the cycle? How did he know exactly how to break it too? Wasn’t the cycle complicated because of his identity and how he wanted to live?”

My teacher sat on my question for a moment before speaking.

“Good question. And while you are correct, there’s definitely more to it. Tayo was brought on a spiritual journey, one that forced him to realize his own needs and how to accomplish his goals, make better friends, etc...that’s how he broke the cycle.”

I nodded.

“How can I break my own cycle?”

She paused before slipping her glasses off and onto her desk.

“Resilience, honesty, and care.”


	7. invisible girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It would be much too easy to say I am invisible. It’s more of an “I see you but I choose to ignore you” thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erin - Super High School Level Attention Whore

It could be anything. It doesn’t matter to me.

a soft smile

a sympathetic look

a head pat

i DONT mind any of it. I love it. It feels so good to have someone looking at me...thinking about me...touching me.

 

i feel a rush of excitement fall in waves over my body. Wow...it feels...so good. 

I would do anything to get my fix. Even lie. Orchestrate a story about myself that isn’t true just so I could feel that delightful Rush...

 

addiction is passed down.

 

thank you Mom for making me the whore I am today. Without you,

 

i mightve had friends


	8. Anger

Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face?

 

so hard that their face caves in? Matching black eyes? Front teeth knocked loose?

i have!

 

but I want to punch a certain someone. Someone I hate a lot. Someone who’s been so terrible, awful, rotten, disgusting.

 

who could it be?

 

its 

 

me.


	9. Hm

“You know. You’re a nice young lady, Erin. I wouldn’t even know you have severe anxiety!”

”see? Erin looks so calm, collected...friendly, even. We could have never known she was on the verge of breaking down if this had never happened.”

”Oh Erin! I missed seeing your smile every day, anything you need and I’m here!”

”I’m sorry you had to go through this. Anything you need, and I’ll be here for you...”

fUCK FUCK FUCK

GHIS WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD NOW

“...and are you still having suicidal thoughts?” My brand-new psychiatrist asked me.

”...I...I don’t know anymore.” 

Hopefully tonight I’ll fall asleep and 

never wake up. 


	10. Conscious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my brain telling my fingers what to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nasty stuff that doesn’t make any sense

“I need to tell you something. And I know that I promised you that I was okay, but...

 

Ive been planning on killing myself.”

 

...

suddenly. 

“Alright sweetheart I’m the 15th Doctor you’ve seen tonight,” She smiles knowingly. “It’s 3 AM, your parents have work tomorrow and school is still in session.”

i want to die I want to die I want to die please let me die I don’t deserve this life anymore please please please

”I want to die haha” a classmate says and it pierced through my brain.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID THAT AND YOU ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL. WHERE TOU MADE EVERYONE CRY AND WORRY. YOU WHORE YOU WHORE—

“...anyways...I...”

 

 

 

My brain is mush. I am angry I want to punch something I want to throw up and punch myself in the face I want to die I want to live and show everyone I can do it I H A T E 

 

myself.


End file.
